Pat Robertson Confesses! God Upset With Him; Tells Him He Lost His Mind
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Recreation & Sports > Humor
Mar 1, 2007
Tom Attea
Pat Robertson Confesses! God Upset With Him; Tells Him He Lost His Mind
In the wake of having reported that God told him Tsunami-like storms were likely to hit the U. S. coasts this year, Pat Robertson appeared on his TV program visibly shaken, and announced, ?God has told me something else, and it?s something I didn?t want to hear. He said, ?Pat, you lost your mind.?
?Naturally, I was surprised and asked why he would ever think such a thing of me.
?God went on to ask, ?Did you report that I told you America should assassinate Hugo Chavez, the leader of Venezuela??
?'Yes, I did,' I confessed.
??And did you recently tell people I told you that this year I?m going to send fearsome storms to batter the coastlines of America??
?'Yes, I did,' I confessed again.
??But, Pat, ask yourself, if I?m the benevolent being people expect me to be, how could I have said those terrible things??
?You mean, you didn?t say them?' I asked.
"?Heck, no! I?ve got my reputation to consider. What I actually told you is, on the first point, that America should invite the President of Venezuela to Washington to talk things over.?
?'You did?' I replied, swallowing hard.
??Yes, Pat. And on the second issue, I told you I felt Katrina was enough of a Category 5 hurricane for the time being and I intended to hold off on such destructive whirlwinds for years to come.'
?'Really?'
?'Yes, Pat. But what has happened? You misheard every message I delivered. Now, since I know you would much prefer to be my dutiful servant, I can only assume you?ve lost your mind.?
?Yep,? Pat continued to his enthralled audience, ?that?s what God told me and, let me tell you, His mighty words gave me pause. So I said, ?In the future I?ll listen more carefully.?
?But God wouldn?t have anything to do with that. He was just too upset with me.
??I appreciate your good intentions, Pat, but I can?t take anymore chances. My reputation is already too damaged.?
?Then the Lord told me the most hurtful thing I can imagine."
??Pat, I?m not going to show up and talk to you anymore.?
"?Oh, God, no, please,? I told him. ?I?ll listen to your every word more carefully with all my heart and mind.?
"?I know you?ll have the best of intentions, but, I regret to say, the next time we talk is when you arrive at the Pearly Gates. I have to find somebody to appear to who can get the story right. But listen to me, Pat. If you do exactly as I say, I, in my infinite mercy, will forgive your every misinterpretation. And here is what I say. If you ever think I told you something in the future, tell yourself it can?t be true and you made it up. Do you hear me, Pat??
??Yes, God,? I told my Lord and Master. ?Not only that, I apologize for any damage I might have, through no conscious intent, done to your magnificent and forever undamaged reputation.'
??Good, Pat, good,? God told me, and put out His hand. ??I look forward to seeing you again in ten or twenty years.?
??Thanks, Your Worship, see you then,? I told Him.
?Then we shook hands and he disappeared.
?So let me just announce to my faithful listeners, that?s it, folks. I won?t be making anymore announcements about what God told me. I have gotten the message from on high that I am now out of personal communication with the Infinite. From now on I am as much a creature of the finite world as you all are.
?And I am confident that, because of this decision, God loves me and you more than ever. So please donate more generously than ever."
?Naturally, I was surprised and asked why he would ever think such a thing of me.
?God went on to ask, ?Did you report that I told you America should assassinate Hugo Chavez, the leader of Venezuela??
?'Yes, I did,' I confessed.
??And did you recently tell people I told you that this year I?m going to send fearsome storms to batter the coastlines of America??
?'Yes, I did,' I confessed again.
??But, Pat, ask yourself, if I?m the benevolent being people expect me to be, how could I have said those terrible things??
?You mean, you didn?t say them?' I asked.
"?Heck, no! I?ve got my reputation to consider. What I actually told you is, on the first point, that America should invite the President of Venezuela to Washington to talk things over.?
?'You did?' I replied, swallowing hard.
??Yes, Pat. And on the second issue, I told you I felt Katrina was enough of a Category 5 hurricane for the time being and I intended to hold off on such destructive whirlwinds for years to come.'
?'Really?'
?'Yes, Pat. But what has happened? You misheard every message I delivered. Now, since I know you would much prefer to be my dutiful servant, I can only assume you?ve lost your mind.?
?Yep,? Pat continued to his enthralled audience, ?that?s what God told me and, let me tell you, His mighty words gave me pause. So I said, ?In the future I?ll listen more carefully.?
?But God wouldn?t have anything to do with that. He was just too upset with me.
??I appreciate your good intentions, Pat, but I can?t take anymore chances. My reputation is already too damaged.?
?Then the Lord told me the most hurtful thing I can imagine."
??Pat, I?m not going to show up and talk to you anymore.?
"?Oh, God, no, please,? I told him. ?I?ll listen to your every word more carefully with all my heart and mind.?
"?I know you?ll have the best of intentions, but, I regret to say, the next time we talk is when you arrive at the Pearly Gates. I have to find somebody to appear to who can get the story right. But listen to me, Pat. If you do exactly as I say, I, in my infinite mercy, will forgive your every misinterpretation. And here is what I say. If you ever think I told you something in the future, tell yourself it can?t be true and you made it up. Do you hear me, Pat??
??Yes, God,? I told my Lord and Master. ?Not only that, I apologize for any damage I might have, through no conscious intent, done to your magnificent and forever undamaged reputation.'
??Good, Pat, good,? God told me, and put out His hand. ??I look forward to seeing you again in ten or twenty years.?
??Thanks, Your Worship, see you then,? I told Him.
?Then we shook hands and he disappeared.
?So let me just announce to my faithful listeners, that?s it, folks. I won?t be making anymore announcements about what God told me. I have gotten the message from on high that I am now out of personal communication with the Infinite. From now on I am as much a creature of the finite world as you all are.
?And I am confident that, because of this decision, God loves me and you more than ever. So please donate more generously than ever."
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Tom Attea, humorist and creator of NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing ""delightfully funny" and "witty" with "good, genuine laughs."
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