Fear Of Commitment
5839
Health & Fitness > Fear & Phobias
Mar 1, 2007
Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Fear Of Commitment
In my counseling work, I often work with clients who have a deep fear of commitment. These individuals generally say that they want to be in a loving relationship, yet they keep picking ?the wrong people.?
Susan, 38, sought my help because she was in two relationships at the same time. This didn?t feel right to her, so she knew that she had to make a choice. Yet she could not seem to decide which relationship was right for her.
Susan had been in a relationship with Shawn for two years. Shawn, 43, was a delightful man, fun loving and sweet. However, Shawn would emotionally disappear for long periods of time, and he was clear that he did not want children ? which was very important to Susan. In addition, Shawn was always living on the edge financially.
Then Susan met Calvin, who was totally different than Shawn. Calvin stayed emotionally present, had a job he loved and made very good money, and wanted to have children. Susan was very attracted to Calvin and in her heart she knew that he was a much better choice for her than Shawn. Yet she could not seem to let go of Shawn.
As we explored the situation, it became apparent that Susan couldn?t let go of Shawn because she was terrified of commitment. With Shawn there was no chance of being in a committed relationship ? he was not really available. Yet Susan felt ?safe? with Shawn. Safe from what?
Susan discovered that she was terrified of really being in love, which was a possibility with Calvin but not with Shawn. In her mind, being in love meant losing her freedom. When she thought of being with Calvin, she felt like she couldn?t breathe. Her concept of a loving relationship was that, ?You are together all the time. I couldn?t just go and be with my friends or take a vacation with a friend. Commitment means giving up freedom.?
No wonder she felt safe with Shawn! As long as Susan felt she had to give herself up to be in a loving relationship, she would not be able to make a commitment.
Douglas, 34, another client of mine, has the exact same problem. When he is in a relationship, he is a very ?nice guy.? He tends to try to please his partner because, in his mind, taking care of himself and doing the things he wants to do is selfish. Yet, in giving himself up to his partner, he ends up resenting her and ending the relationship. Like Susan, he is operating under the false belief that he has to give up his personal freedom to be in a loving relationship.
Both Susan and Douglas have a major false belief that is causing their fear of commitment: that loving another person means doing what that person wants instead of staying true to themselves and taking loving care of themselves. They both have a false definition of selfish. They think they are being selfish if they take care of themselves instead of care-take their partners. I offered them this definition of selfish:
Selfish is when you expect someone else to give themselves up for you ? to not do what they want to do and instead do what you want them to do. Selfish is when you do not support others in taking loving care of themselves and instead expect them to take care of you.
Giving yourself up is a form of control. You want to control how the other person feels about you by doing what they want you to do. When you do what another person wants you to do from love and caring, with no agenda to get their approval, you feel wonderful. But when you give yourself up from fear of your partner?s anger or withdrawal, you will feel trapped and resentful. To be in a committed relationship, your first commitment needs to be to yourself ? to your truth, integrity and freedom.
Learning to take loving care of yourself is the key to healing a fear of commitment. When you are taking loving care of yourself, you will be filled with love and you will have much love to share with your partner!
Susan, 38, sought my help because she was in two relationships at the same time. This didn?t feel right to her, so she knew that she had to make a choice. Yet she could not seem to decide which relationship was right for her.
Susan had been in a relationship with Shawn for two years. Shawn, 43, was a delightful man, fun loving and sweet. However, Shawn would emotionally disappear for long periods of time, and he was clear that he did not want children ? which was very important to Susan. In addition, Shawn was always living on the edge financially.
Then Susan met Calvin, who was totally different than Shawn. Calvin stayed emotionally present, had a job he loved and made very good money, and wanted to have children. Susan was very attracted to Calvin and in her heart she knew that he was a much better choice for her than Shawn. Yet she could not seem to let go of Shawn.
As we explored the situation, it became apparent that Susan couldn?t let go of Shawn because she was terrified of commitment. With Shawn there was no chance of being in a committed relationship ? he was not really available. Yet Susan felt ?safe? with Shawn. Safe from what?
Susan discovered that she was terrified of really being in love, which was a possibility with Calvin but not with Shawn. In her mind, being in love meant losing her freedom. When she thought of being with Calvin, she felt like she couldn?t breathe. Her concept of a loving relationship was that, ?You are together all the time. I couldn?t just go and be with my friends or take a vacation with a friend. Commitment means giving up freedom.?
No wonder she felt safe with Shawn! As long as Susan felt she had to give herself up to be in a loving relationship, she would not be able to make a commitment.
Douglas, 34, another client of mine, has the exact same problem. When he is in a relationship, he is a very ?nice guy.? He tends to try to please his partner because, in his mind, taking care of himself and doing the things he wants to do is selfish. Yet, in giving himself up to his partner, he ends up resenting her and ending the relationship. Like Susan, he is operating under the false belief that he has to give up his personal freedom to be in a loving relationship.
Both Susan and Douglas have a major false belief that is causing their fear of commitment: that loving another person means doing what that person wants instead of staying true to themselves and taking loving care of themselves. They both have a false definition of selfish. They think they are being selfish if they take care of themselves instead of care-take their partners. I offered them this definition of selfish:
Selfish is when you expect someone else to give themselves up for you ? to not do what they want to do and instead do what you want them to do. Selfish is when you do not support others in taking loving care of themselves and instead expect them to take care of you.
Giving yourself up is a form of control. You want to control how the other person feels about you by doing what they want you to do. When you do what another person wants you to do from love and caring, with no agenda to get their approval, you feel wonderful. But when you give yourself up from fear of your partner?s anger or withdrawal, you will feel trapped and resentful. To be in a committed relationship, your first commitment needs to be to yourself ? to your truth, integrity and freedom.
Learning to take loving care of yourself is the key to healing a fear of commitment. When you are taking loving care of yourself, you will be filled with love and you will have much love to share with your partner!
Article Source: http://www.articlerich.com
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. best-selling author of eight books, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: www.innerbonding.com or email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com.
Write a Review
Add to My Favorite
Refer it to Friend
Report Article
Other links owned by this user
(This is Part 2 of a 5-art series on addiction). In Part 1 of this series of articles, I defined substance and rocess addictions, and described the four major false beliefs that underlie most addictions: 1. I can?t handle my
Category:
In Part 1 of this series of articles, I defined substance and process addictions, and described the four major false beliefs that underlie most addictions: 1. I can?t handle my pain. 2. I am unworthy and unlovable. 3. Others are
Category:
David sat in front of me at one of my five-day intensive workshops. A successful businessman with a wife and two grown children, David believed that he was not good enough. ?I?m insufficient,? he said. ?I?m inadequate.? I
Category:
(This is Part 1 of a 5-part series on addiction). Just about everyone in our society is addicted to something. Addictions can take many forms: SUBSTANCE ADDICTIONS: addiction to alcohol, recreational drugs, prescription meds, caffeine, nicotine,
Category:
There is a wonderful anachronism for FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real Much of the fear in our lives is based on false evidence. Our bodies are designed to respond with the fight or flight
Category:
In my couneling work, I often work with client who have a deep fear of commitment. Thee individual generally ay that they want to be in a loving relationhip, yet they keep picking ?the wrong people.? Suan, 38, ought my help becaue
Category:
Other links at Health & Fitness > Fear & Phobias
Buying a home is a major decision. For most of us it is the largest financial transaction we have in our lifetime. Based on those comments it is easy to see why some potential buyers have a hard time pulling the trigger. Some questions they may be
Category:
Many women struggle with fear. At some point, they may feel totally helpless as they struggle each day. What do you do? As a layman and an author of a managing fear book, were times that my fears had the best of me. Through these experiences,
Category:
We hd little excitement this morning t home. My wife cme out of the bthroom nd sid, quite clmly, ?Ed, there?s big blck spider in the bthtub.? Since I ws wtching my dughter, Ell, t the time, I crried her in there to investigte. I ws
Category:
To understand the ghost of fear, let me tell you a short parable: One upon a time, Jake and Fear were friends. Fear was Jake?s onstant ompanion, and Fear helped him a lot. Fear saved him from lots of troubles and dangers, and helped him
Category:
Learn how to overcome a fearful and scary situation. Here is a list of techniques and suggestions on how to manage the fear of a scary situation. The first thing a person can do is to visualize yourself doing the scary task in your mind.
Category:
Site Sponsor
Directory Statistics
Articles: 68285
Categories: 501
Yahoo Entertainment
