Responsibilty In Relationships
10425
Self Improvement > Happiness
Mar 1, 2007
Robert Elias Najemy
Responsibilty In Relationships
Many negative emotions are the result of confusion concerning "who is responsible for whose reality." If we believe that others are responsible for our reality and how we feel, and they do not "create" our reality as we want it to be or do not give us what we want, we feel hurt, bitter, disillusioned, powerless, fearful, resentful, angry, and even hateful.
When we believe that we are responsible for their reality, and we are not able to make them happy, healthy, successful or satisfied, we feel failure, self-rejection, shame, and guilt. We might even feel anger toward them when they do not cooperate with us to create the reality we believe they must have in order to feel that we are successful and thus worthy as parents, teachers, saviors, healers, etc.
Both beliefs create codependence, resulting in conflicts in our relationships, while simultaneously preventing both parties from maturing emotionally.
Below you will find a list of beliefs that create such situations. We use the phraseology "holding the keys" to the others? happiness, etc., as well as, "giving them the keys" to our self-worth, etc., in order to create a more visual and concrete way of working with this problem. Later we will refer to the PSYCHODRAMA OF THE KEYS or THE PUTTING ORDER TO THE KEYS. This means that we return the keys of responsibility that belong to the others, and take back the keys to our responsibilities.
BELIEFS THAT CAUSE CODEPENDENCY
1. I am responsible for the others? reality; for their safety, happiness, health, success, satisfaction, etc. This leads us to believe we are holding the keys to the others? safety, happiness, health, success, and satisfaction. We then believe we are failures if the others are not well. We also become angry with them when they do not cooperate in creating their own well-being, which we need in order to feel worthy.
2. Others are incapable, unable, and lacking inner guidance or the capacity for managing their lives properly. They need me. We then believe we hold the keys to their safety, happiness, satisfaction, success, etc. We believe they cannot be okay or proceed in life without our guidance and effort. We undermine their self-confidence and self-worth, and wear ourselves down doing for others much of what they can do for themselves. We obstruct their growth and strength.
3. If the others are not well, happy, successful, satisfied, etc., then I am a failure. I am holding the keys to their happiness, success, etc. They, in turn, hold the keys to my self-worth. In such cases, we get trapped in a vicious circle with the others, seeking to pressure them to live their lives in a way that we believe will make them happy and well. We do this, however, not only out of love, but also out of our need to affirm our self-worth.
4. If the others are not well or satisfied, etc., I am not worthy. I give the keys to my self-worth to the others because I am "responsible for" (holding the keys to) their well-being or satisfaction. I feel worthy only when they are well or satisfied.
5. If the other is not well or happy, I do not have the right to be well or happy. I give the keys to my happiness and well-being to the other. I feel I have the right to be happy or well only if he or she is. This does not help the other, but instead adds to the negativity in the environment. I remember a man once who expressed the need to be not well and to express it without his wife going to pieces.
6. If I love someone who is suffering, unhappy or not well, I should not be able to be happy or well. We give him or her the keys to our happiness and well-being. We can help others much more effectively by being positive rather than negative when they are not well.
7. My self-worth depends on what others think of me and on how satisfied they are with me. We give others the keys to our self-worth. We then lose our sense of who we are, what we believe and what we want to do with our lives. We waste our lives seeking to be who we believe others want us to be. In the end, we lose our happiness and are usually bitter that after all that self-suppression, we are still not getting from others the love and respect we desire.
8. My self worth is dependent on how successful my efforts are toward health, happiness, material comfort, social acceptance, professional success, etc. We give the keys to our self-worth to people, possessions and situations around us. This describes our state as a society in which each has lost the keys to his or her own happiness and is seeking to find it in "success". Happiness and success are often (not always) on the other side of the seesaw.
9. I cannot ______without the others:
A. I cannot feel safe without the other(s). We give the keys to our feelings of security.
B. I cannot feel socially accepted without the other(s). We give the keys to our self-worth.
C. I cannot succeed without the other(s). We give the keys to our sense of power and ability.
D. I cannot enjoy myself without the other(s). We give the keys to our happiness.
E. I cannot be sure what to do without the other(s). We give the keys to our inner guidance and wisdom.
F. I cannot be happy without the other(s). We give the keys to our happiness.
10. Others are responsible for my:
A. Happiness. We give the keys to our happiness.
B. Safety. We give the keys to our feelings of security.
C. Satisfaction. We give the keys to our feelings of satisfaction.
D. Success. We give the keys to our ability and intelligence.
E. Health. We give the keys to our physical being. __________________________________
Having understood the above, the next step is to determine where exactly we are expecting others to create our happiness, success, and satisfaction, or where we are dependent on others for our feelings of self-worth. In other words, we need to recognize which of our keys we have given to whom.
Then we need to discover for which people we feel responsible, and thus are holding onto the keys to their happiness, success, safety or satisfaction.
This we want to do in order to return the keys that do not belong to us and take back the keys that do.
When we believe that we are responsible for their reality, and we are not able to make them happy, healthy, successful or satisfied, we feel failure, self-rejection, shame, and guilt. We might even feel anger toward them when they do not cooperate with us to create the reality we believe they must have in order to feel that we are successful and thus worthy as parents, teachers, saviors, healers, etc.
Both beliefs create codependence, resulting in conflicts in our relationships, while simultaneously preventing both parties from maturing emotionally.
Below you will find a list of beliefs that create such situations. We use the phraseology "holding the keys" to the others? happiness, etc., as well as, "giving them the keys" to our self-worth, etc., in order to create a more visual and concrete way of working with this problem. Later we will refer to the PSYCHODRAMA OF THE KEYS or THE PUTTING ORDER TO THE KEYS. This means that we return the keys of responsibility that belong to the others, and take back the keys to our responsibilities.
BELIEFS THAT CAUSE CODEPENDENCY
1. I am responsible for the others? reality; for their safety, happiness, health, success, satisfaction, etc. This leads us to believe we are holding the keys to the others? safety, happiness, health, success, and satisfaction. We then believe we are failures if the others are not well. We also become angry with them when they do not cooperate in creating their own well-being, which we need in order to feel worthy.
2. Others are incapable, unable, and lacking inner guidance or the capacity for managing their lives properly. They need me. We then believe we hold the keys to their safety, happiness, satisfaction, success, etc. We believe they cannot be okay or proceed in life without our guidance and effort. We undermine their self-confidence and self-worth, and wear ourselves down doing for others much of what they can do for themselves. We obstruct their growth and strength.
3. If the others are not well, happy, successful, satisfied, etc., then I am a failure. I am holding the keys to their happiness, success, etc. They, in turn, hold the keys to my self-worth. In such cases, we get trapped in a vicious circle with the others, seeking to pressure them to live their lives in a way that we believe will make them happy and well. We do this, however, not only out of love, but also out of our need to affirm our self-worth.
4. If the others are not well or satisfied, etc., I am not worthy. I give the keys to my self-worth to the others because I am "responsible for" (holding the keys to) their well-being or satisfaction. I feel worthy only when they are well or satisfied.
5. If the other is not well or happy, I do not have the right to be well or happy. I give the keys to my happiness and well-being to the other. I feel I have the right to be happy or well only if he or she is. This does not help the other, but instead adds to the negativity in the environment. I remember a man once who expressed the need to be not well and to express it without his wife going to pieces.
6. If I love someone who is suffering, unhappy or not well, I should not be able to be happy or well. We give him or her the keys to our happiness and well-being. We can help others much more effectively by being positive rather than negative when they are not well.
7. My self-worth depends on what others think of me and on how satisfied they are with me. We give others the keys to our self-worth. We then lose our sense of who we are, what we believe and what we want to do with our lives. We waste our lives seeking to be who we believe others want us to be. In the end, we lose our happiness and are usually bitter that after all that self-suppression, we are still not getting from others the love and respect we desire.
8. My self worth is dependent on how successful my efforts are toward health, happiness, material comfort, social acceptance, professional success, etc. We give the keys to our self-worth to people, possessions and situations around us. This describes our state as a society in which each has lost the keys to his or her own happiness and is seeking to find it in "success". Happiness and success are often (not always) on the other side of the seesaw.
9. I cannot ______without the others:
A. I cannot feel safe without the other(s). We give the keys to our feelings of security.
B. I cannot feel socially accepted without the other(s). We give the keys to our self-worth.
C. I cannot succeed without the other(s). We give the keys to our sense of power and ability.
D. I cannot enjoy myself without the other(s). We give the keys to our happiness.
E. I cannot be sure what to do without the other(s). We give the keys to our inner guidance and wisdom.
F. I cannot be happy without the other(s). We give the keys to our happiness.
10. Others are responsible for my:
A. Happiness. We give the keys to our happiness.
B. Safety. We give the keys to our feelings of security.
C. Satisfaction. We give the keys to our feelings of satisfaction.
D. Success. We give the keys to our ability and intelligence.
E. Health. We give the keys to our physical being. __________________________________
Having understood the above, the next step is to determine where exactly we are expecting others to create our happiness, success, and satisfaction, or where we are dependent on others for our feelings of self-worth. In other words, we need to recognize which of our keys we have given to whom.
Then we need to discover for which people we feel responsible, and thus are holding onto the keys to their happiness, success, safety or satisfaction.
This we want to do in order to return the keys that do not belong to us and take back the keys that do.
Content Provider: http://www.traffichelp4u.com
Robert E. Najemy, author of 25 books and life coach with 30 years of experience, has trained over 300 life coaches and now does so over the Internet. Become a life coach. Over 600 free article and lectures at www.HolisticHarmony.com/
Write a Review
Add to My Favorite
Refer it to Friend
Report Article
Other links owned by this user
Elizabeth and Mark have nothg common. They cannot communicate. Both feel a sense of loneless, disappotment and justice. As they have completely different terests and opions on just about everythg, one would wonder why they got married
Category:
A divorce, aration or, in general, any loss of an important relationship is a painful experience. Such pain can seriously diminish our peace and happiness. We can, however, use this inner discomfort for our spiritual benefit. If we are thinking of
Category:
3. True Faith
When I have true faith, I fear nothing and no one. I experience Divine attention and care. When my loved ones are in "danger", I trust that there is a Divine wisdom greater than my needs and desires Although I fight with love
Category:
Once upon a time in a very typical village of a quite common country there lived a very famous and capable tailor named Dimo. It was quite an honor to have a suit made by this tailor, and people were willing to make many sacrifices in order to do
Category:
Anthony plays the role of "the savior." He feels le for just about everyone?s reality. He believes he must rescue them and keep them well and happy. He feels he has failed in his "role", and cannot rest, as long as someone he feels
Category:
Following are some aspects of our evolving creativity. 1. We have greater control over our body and mind. The body does not get ill. It is able to relax when we tell it to. It is able to perform and work when we want it to. It is an
Category:
7. I CONSCIOUSLY COMMIT MYSELF TO LEARNING TO LOVE YOU AND MYSELF UNCONDITIONALLY. As you probably have understood this is the foundation of any conscious love relationship. The subject of accepting others is discussed in a previous
Category:
(The basic ideas of this section are inspired by the work of Gay and Katherine Hendricks) We can move towards a conscious love relationship by committing ourselves to consciously working towards that goal. We need to clearly understand what
Category:
Part 2 - Love or Need for Security ? Our Love is Mixed With Need. Our love is still mixed with a considerable amount of need. Love wants to give. Need wants to take. Sometimes what we are seeking to take is very subtle and requires deep
Category:
Love, Pleasure or Affirmation ? Part 3 of a 5 part series. Needing Others for Pleasure Let us examine how our needs for pleasure and affirmation can limit and distort our experience of love. We create relationships
Category:
In order to create the healthy, happy and hmonious reality we all desire, we will need to create emotional hmony. This process can be divided into six basic steps: 1. Recognize our emotions. 2. Accept them as they
Category:
This type of worker has an attachment to a perfect result. Before going on, let us make a clarification between three totally different things: First, there is the effort we make in a certain task we are doing. Next comes the result of that effort.
Category:
A few years ago, Angela almost fainted in the center of town. She felt helpless. She was losing her senses among all those strangers. She feared being humiliated by fainting, and thus, showing weakness. She was also afraid these strangers might not help
Category:
You are sitting by a quietly flowing stream in the countryside. It is spring and life is green and moist? Sitting on a rock, the sights and sounds of the flowing water begin to work their mysterious way into your nervous system. Gradually,
Category:
Bill feels rejected and demeaned by the fact that his wife Antonia is out of the house so much. He has expressed his displeasure in a number of ways, including reasoning with her, criticizing her, accusing her and even threatening her in
Category:
Sonny says "YES" to whatever request is made of him, but never follow through with the agreement. Afterward, he feels guilty, becomes defensive, and occasionally, aggressive. He, on the one hand, cannot say no, mainly because he fears
Category:
We Hae Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself" Franklin Theodore Rooseelt Indeed fear is our greatest obstacle to happiness, peace and fulfillment on a personal, social and international leel. All anger, hatred, prejudice, aggression,
Category:
When we re young supple nd pure, freshly removed from the mold of the Cretor, we still hve within us the vision of the perfect: of perfect love of perfect equlity of perfect justice. We know very well who is sincere
Category:
Melna solves her problems by talkng. Melna has learned to get what she wants n a very subtle ways by usng her logc and debatng abltes to get her husband to see thngs the way she does or do thngs n the way she would lke. Ths
Category:
Spiritual Universal Love - Part 5 of 5 A later stage in our spiritual aturation process is the developent of spiritual universal love where wisdo or spiritual discriination is now added to our love. We now perceive all fors as various
Category:
Other links at Self Improvement > Happiness
We all want happiness. We all need appreciation. We all crave for recognition. We all want to be applauded. We all desire to be called as good and lovely human beings. We are all looking for this certificate from our friends, family and our partner.
Category:
People complain. They?re complaining all the time about everything. As a child, I was innocent enough to believe what people were saying. I really thought there were plenty of valid reasons to complain: the weather (most often), lack of money
Category:
One of the things that interests me most about conflict is the tendency to resist it and the ways in which this resistance causes me to miss key moments, when I might respond with purpose and intention but do not. Resistance is a reactive habit.
Category:
Most of us get up each day and go through the same routne whatever we do n lfe ? most of us are reasonably happy and content and just get on wth lvng. There s of course nothng wrong wth that n the slghtest but what would you say
Category:
TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR REALITY a. The other is to blame... We are each responsible for the reality we eate within and around us. If we are not happy, it is because we are eating unhappiness within ourselves. We are
Category:
Site Sponsor
Directory Statistics
Articles: 68214
Categories: 501
Yahoo Entertainment
